It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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