You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I enjoy the company of your penis
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
