Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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