If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
