Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
