I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Rumble strips road head = magical
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
