He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
