god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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