found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
