party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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