I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
