So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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