Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
