John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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