You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
