sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
