the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I AM VODKA MAN
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
