if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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