At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They took my balls.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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