But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
