If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
