Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
