No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize