He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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