help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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