god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
