I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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