'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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