My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
