he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
