I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
