i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
