my mouth tastes like poor choices
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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