Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
