Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
