There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
