apparently the secret to your success is patron
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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