Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Actions speak louder than pants.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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