I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
