the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
