I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
