I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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