Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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