every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize