guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
