I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
