He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
