I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
