So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
