Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
