I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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