How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
