Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
