Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize