i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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