The police scanner is talking about you again....
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
