Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
