Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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