We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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