dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
